What does success mean to you?

Post-college, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out which business-related career field would make me the most successful. At the time, I equated success with a job title and the amount of money that I brought in per year. I had a few jobs from licensed Investment Professional to Financial Analyst and neither of them made me happy or fulfilled me. I thought about going back to school to be a nurse, and tried out being a financial recruiter (until the head recruiter sent me a picture of his nether regions…gross right?) Then I landed in the Department of Defense as a Procurement Analyst. It wasn’t a fancy or glamorous job but it was an impactful organization that I really felt proud to work for. It checked my boxes for job security , decent salary and opportunities for growth. I diligently worked to learn the industry, the Federal Acquisition Regulations and the operations that drove my office. I was happy and I finally felt like I was on the right path in my career.

Becoming a Mom and Working from Home

Fast forward to getting to know my now-husband, Joe, on a work softball league, getting married and having 3 babies in 3.5 years, my mission to have a successful career faded and my dreams of becoming a stay at home mom set in. I had been working from home since the start of covid and my parents dedicated their time to being our full time in-house babysitters (what a blessing!) It was absolutely manageable to work from home with my first son. Then with the addition of my second son, it became pretty challenging and by the time my daughter made her debut, I was taking meetings from my bedroom closet to get away from the noise.

my mission to have a successful career faded and my dreams of being a stay at home mom set in

As the kids grew and went thru each new phase of craziness, our work schedules followed suite. More deliverables, meetings, metrics and so on. Living in fight or flight became my “normal” but it was far from healthy or realistic. I played it off well, always saying “I’m fine” and agreeing to take on more projects. I even enrolled in an 18 month leadership program to grow my career (because I felt like my professional accomplishments equated to my success in life). Shortly thereafter, I accepted a supervisor position, and there wasn’t a week where I wasn’t working well past midnight while worrying about contracting law and personnel problems. My mental health took a hit. Despite all the craziness, stepping back from my 8-year career in defense contracting was harder than I thought. I wish I could say that resigning to be with my babies was a no-brainer, but the fact is that it was a difficult decision. Was I committing career suicide? Would I regret this? I worried about our finances and had many sleepless nights talking my husband’s ear off and praying for guidance. But ultimately, I knew that I had to take the step back for the sake of myself and my children.

Saying Farewell

At the end of August 2023, I hit send on my final email to my team, coworkers and customers. I was flooded with emails back wishing me good luck and I even had a few passive aggressive responses that started out friendly and ended with something along the lines of how they could “never stay home all day”. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and laugh off the negativity. “Stay at Home Mom” was my new job title and I was grateful and excited for my new chapter.

Over-Achiever State of Mind 

Transitioning to stay at home life was actually more of an adjustment than I envisioned. Going from having a fully booked schedule to open days with no commitments left me feeling very lost. Even though work stress was lifted off my shoulders, I found myself having anxiety over not getting enough done in the day. Back when I was still working, I’d often daydream about everything that I could accomplish if I resigned and how productive I’d be with my home and family life. A true “the grass is always greener on the other side” situation. I originally thought I’d be getting 40 hours a week of my life back to plan how I saw fit. I figured that since schedules and deadlines drove me in work, I’d just make schedules during the week to drive me at home in my personal life. Cleaning schedules, meal prepping, playdates, it’s pretty straight forward right? Was I crazy to think my house would be clean and dinner cooked by 5pm? Well actually, YES! I was way out in left field. You could say that I had a bit of an over-achiever state of mind. It didn’t take long for me to learn that I had ridiculously high expectations for myself and I needed to essentially “chill out”. My husband helped remind me that my success in a day isn’t determined by how clean and organized my house is. After all, I’m a mom of three who can barely use the bathroom solo, let alone have it all done and together day in and day out. Keeping my babies alive, fed and happy was my sole focus.

Short Fuse, Stressed and Not Myself

Now here’s a part of my story that I almost left out, but I wanted to be real, so I figured I’d share with the hopes that another mother could relate. Early into my stay-at-home journey, I found myself feeling enraged over silly things that normally wouldn’t bother me and I was agitated over everything. It didn’t help that I was also solo parenting most of the time while Joe was on active orders and flying around the world. Solo parenting was nothing new for me but doing it while I was in a “funk”, (new SAHM, postpartum hormones, and pouring from an empty cup) left me with a short fuse. I knew something was off so I reached out to a therapist. Having “mom rage” didn’t make me a bad mom but it indicated that I needed to troubleshoot and get to the bottom of it.

“Doing the Work”

Have you ever heard someone say that they’re “doing the work” for their well-being? I used to wonder what the heck that meant until I started therapy. Everybody has a past and it turns out that the negative times we may have faced can affect our daily life without even realizing it. Talking about my stress and past experiences was a breath of fresh air. Learning to identify triggers, having strategies to work with, and setting realistic expectations were all a part of my mental health toolkit. We also identified my serious need for self-care and prioritizing myself throughout the week. I’ve since written a post “Practical Self Care for the Perpetually Busy Mom” that dives deeper into how I’m now prioritizing myself to combat mommy burnout. After several therapy sessions and personal work that I continue to do, I feel empowered to be the happy and (mostly) patient mama that I know I am. All that being said, never feel silly asking for help when you know you aren’t feeling your best.

Journaling

Journaling is a tool that I use to get my thoughts on paper and help manage everything that’s on my mind in the morning. It’s a small task that’s really made a huge difference in my mindset and focus for the day. Writing down tiny manageable goals also drives me and gives me something to work toward. In addition to journaling, I created daily reminders for myself in the notes of my phone. Here’s an example of a few of them:

🌈Daily reminders 

• Today is a new day to be the best version of myself.
• Your success is not determined by how clean your house is.
• Your children are learning who they are by watching you.
• Presence over productivity.
• Get out of the house. Reset, move your body. Breathe.

Outside for the Win

Getting out of the house every day is an absolute must for us. Being outside gives me a clear view and resets any negative emotions that I may have. I even downloaded the “1000 Hours Outside” app and I’m logging all of our time outside to see how close we can get to 1000! Some days we switch it up and go to the library or even just take a car ride but getting into a different environment breaks up the day and makes things interesting. Leaving that load of wash behind to get out and see the kids run and play makes me genuinely happy. After all, spending meaningful time with my kids was one of the prime reasons why I left the workforce.

My Current View of Success

I’m happy to report that I’m now finishing this post as I’m one entire year into my stay at home adventure and I’m so grateful for my decision. Every day I remind myself how I wanted to be more present and less stressed over a job (a job that filled my spot within a few weeks of my resignation.) I’m replaceable in my career but I’m not replaceable at home. Playing with my kids at 9 AM and hearing their laughs while they crash their dump trucks into lego towers is everything I wanted. I didn’t want them growing up remembering how mommy was always annoyed with their noise and yelling at them to be quiet while she was in meetings. I also couldn’t handle them wasting away into their iPad screen for the sake of my career. 

Success to me is now defined by happiness, fulfillment and impact.

• I’m happy when I get to take my kids to the playground at 10 am.
• I’m fulfilled when I complete a goal that I set for myself (like getting in a 20 minute ride on my spin bike before dinner.)
• I’m making an impact on my family since we are spending more time together without work stress bogging me down.

The Best Job I’ve Ever Had

Being a mother is the best job I’ve ever had. It’s my favorite chapter of life and the one I’m best at. I was always so wrapped up in success with a fancy title and dollar signs. Now I’m embracing who I am in this season of life and giving myself grace. It doesn’t happen overnight. I’m putting work into being mindful and focusing on being the best version of myself day in and day out. That doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I’m growing each day while figuring out which routines (or lack thereof) work for us. Just like any career it has its up and downs. There’s good days and bad days. But for me, unlike my past jobs, the only new deliverables I’m working on are myself and my children’s well being.

I want to make it very clear that I’m not saying that becoming a stay at home mom has made me a better mother than I was before. I know I was a kick ass mom while also working 40 plus hours a week. With that being said, resigning has alleviated the heavy work burden that was sitting on my shoulders and has given me more time to be actively engaged at home.

Are you a working mama busting your behind day in and day out? I get it. I understand the stress I lived it for years. You’re doing an amazing job. Are you a working mom looking to resign and be a stay at home mom? I get that side of life too. I definitely recommend having a hobby or outlet for yourself. Have you been a stay at home mom for awhile? Any tips you’d like to give me? These days are long and they sure can be hard. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

Thanks for reading a snippet of my story, now tell me about yours! 

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